Thursday, 10 April 2014

░▒▓█ After Getting On His Computer (Chair), This Alpha Male Writes This Letter

(Parody by an Alpha Male, Me)

Dear Her Dad,

Recently, I was scanning her browsing history on google and other sites as usual for inspiration when I saw a lengthy n' unsightly email letter in her inbox you wrote her. I was startled.

This comedic hit-and-miss piece from you that I could not go against myself to reproduce because of its unqualified standards in aesthetics explained a slight change - still slight - in attitude from your barely-legal daughter as regards to her behaviour and all.

Hi, I'll kill you! I'll kill you all! I'll kill...! Just joking. Hahahahaha these fat aliens that are made from the human fat of several living human pigs in this world will carry out my orders!

She doesn't arrive naked as often as she used to and when she does she puts on those damned heels, idol worship levels have dropped noticeably as since last Monday she forgot to dust my great statue in the hall, when I asked for a fruit punch she tried giving me milk (hers even) and, as a result of all of her minor-but-significant transgressions I no longer feel so complete. All because of you.

And I got angry.

Antiquated One I mean Orochi, it has always been her job to "keep me piqued". As you may have gotten it by now, she has always performed quite passably well in this, but you have to write a bad textbook joke and screw the pooch. Come to think of it, if she fought her ascribed role the natural environment as we know it that we know and love would be badly damaged, with trees razed to the ground by The Fire and torrents approaching for more things and creatures (including people) to twist in the wind afterwards in turn but that is a lovely story for another day.

Her only task, is to know deeply in her soul - in that place where, well, she has my name on it - that she is as worthy of interest as the big, big world decides. Contrary to popular myth and convention, her role from the beautiful moment of her birth, is to love and serve. With or without a leash. I stress that her life is not her own, and she depends first and foremost on others for her interest. Therefore I regret to remind you that you cannot change nature with just words - it's not that easy if even possible.

When she is armed with this vital knowledge she will be attractive in the way Oxford University Press describes it: she will attract an owner who is just as caring as a politician and who is truly open to shrewdly spending a split life investing his love in her.

Oroch, I want to share with you the common sense that if she is interesting enough I wouldn't have to be kept interested.

Now considering your trade treaty I am pleased to see that:

1. I may visit you to put my long legs on the dinner table like a godlike boss with the condition that I keep my eyes on her scrunchy nose when she smiles, and still keep staring (without laughing or too much disgust).

2. I may express my blatant nonchalance for golf and my preference for enjoying the breeze, the sea and the scenery with a hot dog bun and a Sarsi instead of actually playing it with you if I keep pretending to be engaged enthusiastically with your neighbours' children and spice it with philosophical lamentations of the squandering of my youth just like you apparent overachievers.

3. I am granted a bottomless business expense account by you so long as I spend all the time with her alleging affairs of the heart.

4. I am ignored of my manly strength with astoundingly little exercise that wows my weaker neighbours and others so long as I allow her to demonstrate her feminine strength in submission and the kitchen and of course, the bed.

5. I am ignored of my persuaded vote of either the Conservatives (Republican) or the Labour (Democrat) parties with the understanding that I wake up anytime I like everyday and right before I brush my teeth I get to give her insecurity a verbal sense of re-election importance with good English under my heaven-o breath. 

6. I am ignored of my Lion or Garuda or Dragon race so long as I tattoo any of these fantastical creatures in her lives in any empirical degree with explainable constructs like sensitivity, patience, taking, strength and loving.

7. I am accepted of any spiritual alignment so long as I was brought up to love the powers above and recognise that every moment of life and life with her is artificially-divine. No more Hugh Grant jokes with "divine" prostitutes in America would be entertained, because I told too many myself.

So all in all, Uncle Orochi, if I stumble across another father-in-law that is not exactly an outlaw or renegade like you we shall really share common high ideals, and not forgetting the most artificially-inflated commodity due to your protectionist ideals that is - I yawn - her.

Because, instead of sending hired friends over to your place for cakes and coffee or tea or summoning you to my dungeon in chains or listening to more of your non-sleepy and life-turning platitudes (I can speak them better for gain if I wanted to) in any place I can just agree to your 7 Demands and live a wonderful life in consequence. She has to be herself, but with the right education if you know what I mean Dad.

Your vainglorious and practical guy,
Son-in-law