Thursday, 10 April 2014

After Getting On His Computer (Chair), This Alpha Male Writes This Letter

(Parody by an Alpha Male, Me)

Dear Her Dad,

Recently, I was scanning her browsing history on google and other sites as usual for inspiration when I saw a lengthy n' unsightly email letter in her inbox you wrote her. I was startled.

This comedic hit-and-miss piece from you that I could not go against myself to reproduce because of its unqualified standards in aesthetics explained a slight change - still slight - in attitude from your barely-legal daughter as regards to her behaviour and all.

Hi, I'll kill you! I'll kill you all! I'll kill...! Just joking. Hahahahaha these fat aliens that are made from the human fat of several living human pigs in this world will carry out my orders!

She doesn't arrive naked as often as she used to and when she does she puts on those damned heels, idol worship levels have dropped noticeably as since last Monday she forgot to dust my great statue in the hall, when I asked for a fruit punch she tried giving me milk (hers even) and, as a result of all of her minor-but-significant transgressions I no longer feel so complete. All because of you.

And I got angry.

Antiquated One I mean Orochi, it has always been her job to "keep me piqued". As you may have gotten it by now, she has always performed quite passably well in this, but you have to write a bad textbook joke and screw the pooch. Come to think of it, if she fought her ascribed role the natural environment as we know it that we know and love would be badly damaged, with trees razed to the ground by The Fire and torrents approaching for more things and creatures (including people) to twist in the wind afterwards in turn but that is a lovely story for another day.

Her only task, is to know deeply in her soul - in that place where, well, she has my name on it - that she is as worthy of interest as the big, big world decides. Contrary to popular myth and convention, her role from the beautiful moment of her birth, is to love and serve. With or without a leash. I stress that her life is not her own, and she depends first and foremost on others for her interest. Therefore I regret to remind you that you cannot change nature with just words - it's not that easy if even possible.

When she is armed with this vital knowledge she will be attractive in the way Oxford University Press describes it: she will attract an owner who is just as caring as a politician and who is truly open to shrewdly spending a split life investing his love in her.

Oroch, I want to share with you the common sense that if she is interesting enough I wouldn't have to be kept interested.

Now considering your trade treaty I am pleased to see that:

1. I may visit you to put my long legs on the dinner table like a godlike boss with the condition that I keep my eyes on her scrunchy nose when she smiles, and still keep staring (without laughing or too much disgust).

2. I may express my blatant nonchalance for golf and my preference for enjoying the breeze, the sea and the scenery with a hot dog bun and a Sarsi instead of actually playing it with you if I keep pretending to be engaged enthusiastically with your neighbours' children and spice it with philosophical lamentations of the squandering of my youth just like you apparent overachievers.

3. I am granted a bottomless business expense account by you so long as I spend all the time with her alleging affairs of the heart.

4. I am ignored of my manly strength with astoundingly little exercise that wows my weaker neighbours and others so long as I allow her to demonstrate her feminine strength in submission and the kitchen and of course, the bed.

5. I am ignored of my persuaded vote of either the Conservatives (Republican) or the Labour (Democrat) parties with the understanding that I wake up anytime I like everyday and right before I brush my teeth I get to give her insecurity a verbal sense of re-election importance with good English under my heaven-o breath. 

6. I am ignored of my Lion or Garuda or Dragon race so long as I tattoo any of these fantastical creatures in her lives in any empirical degree with explainable constructs like sensitivity, patience, taking, strength and loving.

7. I am accepted of any spiritual alignment so long as I was brought up to love the powers above and recognise that every moment of life and life with her is artificially-divine. No more Hugh Grant jokes with "divine" prostitutes in America would be entertained, because I told too many myself.

So all in all, Uncle Orochi, if I stumble across another father-in-law that is not exactly an outlaw or renegade like you we shall really share common high ideals, and not forgetting the most artificially-inflated commodity due to your protectionist ideals that is - I yawn - her.

Because, instead of sending hired friends over to your place for cakes and coffee or tea or summoning you to my dungeon in chains or listening to more of your non-sleepy and life-turning platitudes (I can speak them better for gain if I wanted to) in any place I can just agree to your 7 Demands and live a wonderful life in consequence. She has to be herself, but with the right education if you know what I mean Dad.

Your vainglorious and practical guy,

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Western Frivolity: Book on awkward dating problem gets odd book award

LONDON - A tongue-in-cheek book that purports to deal with an awkward but critical issue, “How to Poo on a Date”, scooped an award for the Oddest Book Title of the Year yesterday (March 21).

The winner of the Diagram Prize, awarded annually since 1978 and based on a public vote since 2000, beat out other titles including “Are Trout South African?” and “Working-Class Cats: The Bodega Cats of New York City”.

Lame "bestsellers". I couldn't laugh even if I tried to.

The prize, which carries no cash award, is run by The Bookseller, a British-based business magazine and website for the book industry.

What?! No money?! Then what is the meaning of this prize? And what sort of an achievement is that?

"See my friends? I won Oddest Book Title of the Year with a strong public mandate. Officially I'm recognised as the biggest queer in the house."

This is like being really good in fighting and even - hahahaha - those aeroplane games but still being on the backseat of society, and the "winners" aren't actually chauffeured either except in their own minds. Dream big!

“The public have has chosen wisely. Not only have they has it picked a title that truly captures the spirit of the prize, they have it has selected a manual that can help one through life’s more challenging and delicate moments,” Mr Horace Bent, described as “custodian of the prize”, said in a press release.

People Power. It has to be respected. Imaginatively.
The Diagram Award was founded in 1978 at the annual Frankfurt Book Fair and was first awarded to “Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice”.

Previous winners include “Cooking with Poo”, a Thai cookbook by Bangkok resident Saiyuud Diwong, whose nickname is Poo, and last year’s winner “Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop”. 

They love excrement. I would love to feed them.


Wednesday, 12 March 2014

My prediction was right hahaha!!

That the missing plane actually went down into the sea as opposed to onto the land. I shared this with her, Dad, my barber and a few buddies yesterday in our enthusiastic discussion of the tragedy and where the plane could be.

I told them that it couldn't be on the land because the radars and satellites would have already detected it, and there would also likely be a few survivors if it happened there. I added that it thus had to be in the depths of the sea and if so, there would be 0.00 survivors as physically none of them would really be able to unbuckle themselves, break open the cabin door and crawl out of the plane while injured and then, pass the benign schools of sharks and piranhas before swimming their way right up to the surface hoping to be starkly noticed by shippers in their ships - all of which would indeed qualify as extraordinary multi-tasking*.

She agreed, one of them said it could have blown up in mid-air and more noticeably my barber friend who admired my talents and posed the same question to me initially opposed, saying if it were at sea the broken plane parts would have been picked up by the sensors at least. He even cited the example of a bird needing to fold up its wings prior to hitting the waters.

While I was truly overwhelmed by his wildlife and aerospace knowledge but I disagreed anyway and I simply told him that the plane could also partially-fracture before going into the sea entirely thereby completely escaping even the most intensive air surveillance scans.

And if it crash-landed on land and the affair took them so long to remain clueless then it could only mean that either our technology - alien-aided or otherwise - was presently undeniably lousy or the agencies conducting the search were, and if it was especially more to the latter the staff should therefore retire early (no worms for this variety of early birds sadly) and go back to their village to reunite with friends and family, at which he was plainly subdued.

So other than the slight hiccup most were open-minded intellectuals and in agreement with my prediction. And as CCTV revealed this morning, I'm right! Cheers!

PS Even if the probable finding is just probable I will still stick to my conviction.

*multi-tasking is, sad to say, an identified and commonly-known Western disease artifically-created by typically-arrogant capitalists particularly in the US of A to maximise productivity in the workplace for mostly lower-end jobs by minimising human labor for the realisation of optimised profit, that some weak and useless Asian countries allow and follow as the new standard.

China says that one of its satellites has detected three large "floating objects" in a region of the sea where it suspects the missing Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 had an accident.

BEIJING: China said one of its satellites has detected three large floating objects in a suspected crash site near where a missing Malaysian jet lost contact, the latest twist in a hunt which entered its sixth day on Thursday.

China's state science and technology administration said on late Wednesday that a Chinese satellite had seen the objects in a "suspected crash sea area" in the South China Sea on March 9, and that the images were being analysed.

The search for Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 now encompasses nearly 27,000 nautical miles (over 90,000 square kilometres) -- roughly the size of Portugal -- and involves the navies and air forces of multiple nations.

The hunt originally focused on an area off Vietnam's South China Sea coast where the Boeing 777 last made contact on Saturday during its journey from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing.
Malaysian authorities later expanded the search to the Andaman Sea, north of Indonesia, hundreds of miles away.

The suspected objects, the administration said on its website, were detected by the Chinese satellite were found at 105.63 degrees longitude East and 6.7 degrees latitude North.

It added that they were spread across an area with a radius of 20 kilometres (12 miles), in sizes that appeared to be 13 x 18 metres, 14 x 19 metres and 24 x 22 metres. Previous sighting of possible debris have proved not to be from the jet.

It was not clear whether or when the images had been shared with Malaysian officials coordinating the ever-shifting search effort. Officials could not immediately be reached for comment on Thursday morning.

US authorities said on Wednesday that their spy satellites had detected no sign of a mid-air explosion when a Malaysian airliner lost contact with air traffic controllers.

On Wednesday, Malaysia denied that the hunt for the aircraft was mired in confusion after a series of false alarms, rumours and contradictory statements.

Malaysian air force chief General Rodzali Daud attempted to explain why the search zone had been expanded, telling a press conference that military radar detected an unidentified object early Saturday north of the Malacca Strait off Malaysia's west coast.

He said that the reading, taken less than an hour after the plane lost contact over the South China Sea, was still being investigated and they were not able to confirm it was MH370.
The confusion has fuelled perceptions that Malaysian authorities are unable to handle a crisis on this scale, and infuriated relatives.

Analysts said there were burning questions over what information -- if any -- Malaysia has gleaned from both military and civilian radar, and the plane's transponders, and over discounted reports it was later detected near Indonesia.

"There are so many information sources that do not appear to have been used effectively in this case. As a result, the families of the missing passengers and crew are being kept in the dark," said David Learmount, operations and safety editor at industry magazine Flightglobal.

Months before the Malaysia Airlines jet vanished, US regulators had warned of a "cracking and corrosion" problem on Boeing 777s that could lead to a mid-air breakup and drastic drop in cabin pressure.

"We are issuing this AD (Airworthiness Directive) to detect and correct cracking and corrosion in the fuselage skin, which could lead to rapid decompression and loss of structural integrity of the airplane," the Federal Aviation Administration said.

It had circulated a draft of the warning in September, issuing a final directive on March 5, three days before MH370 disappeared.

In Malaysia, frustrations were boiling over with the country's active social media and some press outlets turning from sympathy for the families of relatives to anger over the fruitless search.

"The mood among Malaysians now is moving from patience... to embarrassment and anger over discrepancies about passengers, offloaded baggage and concealed information about its last known position," Malaysian Insider, a leading news portal, said in a commentary.

Twitter users took aim at the web of contradictory information that has fuelled conspiracy theories.
"If the Malaysian military did not see MH370 turn toward the Malacca Strait, then why the search? Who decided to look there and why?" one comment said.

The anger was compounded by a report aired on Australian television of a past cockpit security breach involving the co-pilot of the missing jet.

Malaysia Airlines said it was "shocked" over allegations that First Officer Fariq Abdul Hamid, 27, along with a fellow pilot, violated airline rules in 2011 by allowing two young South African women into their cockpit during a flight.

Misery Index Rising to 33-Year High on Abenomics: Japan Credit

By Mariko Ishikawa, Masaki Kondo and Yumi Ikeda on 10:36 am Mar 12, 2014
Category Business, Economy
Tokyo. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe looks set to drive an indicator of economic hardship to a 33-year high by increasing taxes and prices amid stagnant wages.

The misery index, which adds the jobless rate to the level of inflation, will climb to 7 percentage points in the three months starting April 1 when Japan raises its sales levy to 8 percent from 5 percent, based on the median estimates of economists in Bloomberg News surveys of unemployment and consumer prices. That would be the highest level for the measure since June 1981 when Japan was emerging out of depression after the oil shocks in the 1970s.

Bank of Japan monetary stimulus designed to spur economic growth and achieve 2 percent inflation has weakened the yen by 6.8 percent in the past 12 months, eroding the value of wages to a record low. Abe, the son of an ex-foreign minister who grew up in a house with servants, is under fire from the opposition party after the cost of living surged to a five-year high.

“Inflation is really tough,” said Kiyoshi Ishigane, a senior strategist at Mitsubishi UFJ Asset Management, which oversees more than $77 billion. “Those who speak favorably about inflation might have been born in wealthy families and never experienced the hardship that inflation brought.”
The yen traded at 102.94 per dollar as of 10:31 a.m. in Tokyo. It plunged 18 percent last year, the sharpest drop since 1979, boosting inflation through higher import costs. Consumer prices rose 1.4 percent in January from a year ago, near the five-year high of 1.6 percent advance in December, government report showed last month.

National burden
Japan’s 10-year sovereign yield was at 0.625 percent, the lowest globally. It dropped to as low as 0.57 percent on March 3, a level unseen since May 7, and will remain under 0.9 percent this year, analysts surveyed by Bloomberg forecast. The bond market will be “resilient,” Ishigane said.
The country is raising the sales levy as it struggles to pay for care of the world’s fastest-aging society. The ratio of tax and social security costs to national income is estimated to climb to the highest level ever at 41.6 percent in the fiscal year starting April, according to a Ministry of Finance report released last month.

“We need higher wages to offset the ballooning burden,” said Hidenori Suezawa, a financial market and fiscal analyst at SMBC Nikko Securities Inc., one of 23 primary dealers obliged to bid at government bond auctions. “As inflation quickens, the value of pensions people receive will decline in real terms.”

Lagging pay
Wages have not caught up with the increases in living costs and have yet to ripple through to the broader labor market. Pay fell nationwide in the year through January and will rise less than 1 percent this year, according to economists surveyed by Bloomberg. In a Dec. 6 interview, Abe called for companies to raise wages faster than inflation.
A worker in Japan earned an average of $34,138 in 2012 based on the exchange rate taking account of the differences in the cost of living, data from the Organization for Economic Development and Cooperation showed. That’s the 11th lowest among the 29 nations tracked and compares with $55,048 in the US.

The opposition Democratic Party of Japan will stop Abe’s reckless drive and urge the premier to change his policy, Banri Kaieda, the DPJ leader, said on March 7. “Bad inflation” driven by yen weakness is increasing burdens on small companies and households, he said at a convention held by the Japanese Trade Union Confederation.

First increases
Companies including Panasonic, Hitachi and Fujitsu will raise base pay by 2,000 yen ($19) a month, the first increase in six years, the Nikkei reported on March 9.
Nippon Telegraph & Telephone Corp.’s eight major group companies, including its mobile-phone unit, NTT Docomo, will raise base salaries, the newspaper reported the following day. NTT, about 33 percent owned by the government, employs 227,000 workers.
The misery index, designed by American economist Arthur Okun to gauge standards of living, was at 5.1 percentage points in January, near the five-year high of 5.4 percent in November. That’s still lower than 8.3 percentage points in the US, where the jobless rate will be at 6.6 percent this quarter, compared with 3.9 percent in the Asian country, based on analyst estimates.

Ending Deflation
“Exiting deflation is positive for growth because it assists recovery in the job market,” said Takuji Aida, the Tokyo-based chief economist for Japan at Societe Generale SA, another primary dealer. “Even as the pace of growth in pay per worker lags behind the rise in the cost of living, expansion of employment will increase total wages.”

The government has yet to decide on whether to go ahead with a planned second increase in the consumption levy to 10 percent in 2015. Abe is due to detail growth measures in June after approving a 5.5 trillion yen extra budget in December to offset setbacks of a higher tax.

Seventy percent of 34 economists forecast the BOJ will add to its unprecedented stimulus between now and the end of September to steer the economy through a projected contraction in the second quarter, according to a Bloomberg survey conducted Feb. 26 to March 4. Gross domestic product will shrink an annualized 3.9 percent in April-June period, the sharpest drop in three years, another Bloomberg poll of economists predicts.

“The sales tax will add to pressures of bad inflation,” said Yasunari Ueno, the chief market economist at Mizuho Securities Co. “It’s possible the government will be forced to delay the second increase to 10 percent.”


Thursday, 23 January 2014

I'm so happy!

Dad told me I look really good in purple, and that many people don't usually look good in it, including himself unfortunately. For a long time I avoided that because, like pink, I thought that was worn by gays. I hardly saw anybody wear it on the streets too. Even though much later a retail assistant told me it was actually another shade they go for when I got the other clothes and chatted with him but I still viewed it with suspicion.

So it means they don't look good in it too and, you know, I only take pink when I play Dan in Street Fighter, as a tribute to the original colour - as I would with all other characters - and I also had the idea - before Dad told me to my aghast about it being a gay preference also - that this generally-feminine colour was also worn by some straight guys trying to look unique or something, not that I've ever done it myself. Quoting a Chinese idiom, he emphasised that the darkest shade of red is actually purple, and it comes with a royal bearing.

Okay I confess I don't really have the habit of observing people but I noted, or rather, I learned from some standard tin-foil Illuminati hat bearers in a past curiosity that Seinfeld often dons the colour on the set of his famous nothing comedy, using this powerful colour to - ahem, this is really embarrassing - conjure magic rituals to telepathically-control the audience from their favourite brainwashing idiot boxes called televisions.

So saying, I should treat myself even better than what I've always tried from now on.

It will make the love game even easier than it is too how silly of me.

Friday, 17 January 2014

I am grateful

that my favored government in the sunny failed state in the Great Eastern of toenail proportions has been coming up with very sound policies recently (they still got it!) that apparently prioritized the economic ends over the importance or even happiness of these vulgar, ill-bred and anus-faced animal pawns - from the stupid good-for-nothing children and schoolkids to the forever-discontented working middling dung variety and then to the rancid and angst-ridden octogenarian antiques - that invariably of course, are nothing more than a cycle of profound garbage.

What touched me was my understanding that their prized government has been doing this for decades and centuries - where, once upon a time, after it had briefly and painstakingly labored to establish a passable foundation of the infrastructure upon national self-determination from outgunned European emporium executives followed by the bold expulsion from the domestic union the founders and officials then began a proud march of progress by systematically scolding, controlling, limiting and wrecking the spirit of the naturally-worthless electorate while crawling eagerly in an orderly manner towards foreign investors, business communities and their money that later formed a good-enough reason of even their existence. So from the goodwill and fiscal harvest they have gained from home and abroad they turned around and successfully attempted in using an inordinate amount of money and the accompanying time and effort in serial congressional hearings to buy supercomputers, quality canes and non-superficial technology to keep an obedient worker culture society in check, creatively passing more draconian legislation particularly regarding taxation and criminal punishment to make the wheel sturdier, and diligently headhunting and hiring the required manpower and the most basic kneeling personnel to hold the cabinets together and continue the game - precious resources that they ironically helped themselves from this repugnant pool of low and barbaric coolie descents in the first place.

This cutely-psychopathic response of avenging upon the laborious mob beasts (spanking girls for deeds and misdeeds as I've often reminded the street is always an ambiguous affair simply because it makes me sad when they cry when they are being rewarded and they laugh when they are being punished) by my unofficial representatives (I didn't even need to join their inner council to elect them) right after serving them for their reward is always funny no matter how many ways and times I see it, even though I maintain no understanding on the quizzical outer aspect of the grand paradox. These empowered servant-masters continue to my delight by passing further objective-based Gross domestic product and related statistical impression directives without the traditionally-dentured opposition (that they sincerely but shyly flourished from the very beginning without full admission of responsibility unlike most of the accountable terrorists we learned from the tabloids to frown upon just so they could effectively deflect unnecessary career distractions) or real concern towards their feelings if any should remain after their ongoing auxiliary impositions of universality I also mean uniformity.

It deserves applause that nowadays, even despite media-reported and common knowledge of flailing farm and factory support from the ground these self-believed sheppards are still insistent on their right of way and their enigmatic habit of conjuring more of these wonderful measures for the helpless but evil bastard creatures that are ascribed quite rightfully liabilities (a term more majestic than 'peons' though the former leads to the latter) in question without my or their asking and an ovation for these ostensibly-civilized servants and their successors have never formally requested an administrative fee from me for their kind and hard work, all of which I owe it to myself to say 'thank you' to them. Without showing my ass in the same direction tandem like my once-crass younger brother Benimaru. Nah.

I only hope that the humans from those filthy animals in the mistaken state grouping would find decent opportunities towards happiness. But the excremental defects that outdo humans 8:1 that I have factually described beforehand must - may I reiterate - still be used hard in this turbo capitalist social-economic engineering on the mere basis of material principle even after hell finally freezes over. As a respecter of governments regardless my only complaint is they could use better live expendables for this single-minded goal but because resources moving or not often disappoint real and imagined desires so we sometimes have to make do with what we could use.

Other than the lower and unimpressive fiscal and technological scale of the East and the cash-for-beliefs system of the ever-rising godless and black goat-submissive West I also have a wanton trending interest in failed states in that and other regions of the world - simply because I think they are primitive, fun, clumsy, full of lulz (my bad Luis), their governments like their parents have done the best job they know how to do (if only they knew), their ugly, stupid and illiterate children are as-inferior, worthless and they live against civilization in their every wretched breath but most significantly, the struggle (against pluralism, poverty, social inequalities or whatever) never ends, which they starkly show what life is really about.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Nelson Mandela has left us.

Dear Mr. Rolihlahla,

As a freedom-lover you have spent your life fighting for the rights of your people, and against Western imperialism and you are an inspiration not just to your society but also to us all. As a politician you have made an impressive example of yourself by being one of the rare few who strove to live a life in nothing but a down-to-earth and incorruptible manner.

Now that your journey on Earth has ended may you rest in peace and our thoughts are with you wherever you may be.